Ba dum chssssss

The whole point of a garden isn't to keep pulling weeds out of it... it's to encourage the growth of something beautiful through tender love and care. Water when it needs it and pull the occasional weed when you need to. You can't grow anything deliberately if you concentrate only on all the things that are not wanted there.

It's not difficult to find people ready to point out all the things wrong with you. Everyone is ready to give you advice that will help you be a better person.

I see ads ALL the time for people who are willing to let you pay them so they can do whatever is more socially acceptable. Make up, hair, clothes, health, music, tv, education, etc. I want to hire all these people. Then I see my insecurities all to well.

I spend so much time trying to improve myself and my life that I have very little time to actually live it!

I go to the gym at least 3 days a week. I started going because I needed to move from a state of extremely unhealthy into a state of super model. Not really, but I want to be healthy again. It was getting really difficult to make myself keep going! There is something bitter about doing something that is really difficult to do with no immediate evidence of change. Especially when it's so easy to get out of!

I ended up changing my way of thinking. I don't go to look good or get in shape (that's just a benefit). Now I go because it's two hours of child care where my boys can get their energy out while I basically talk to people :D I can read, I can take my pent up anxiety out on the trainers... ugh I mean, machines! And I have noticed that when I am there, I smile more. Yes, there are plenty medical reasons for this reaction (endorphins and such), but I don't think about the reasons... I think, "Hmm... that's a positive place for me to go" so I go back.

I could easily point out SEVERAL things that I could dwell on... how I look when I'm running (IS NOT PRETTY), how I am not as social as I used to be (big deal for me), how there's no immediate effect of the work I put into it (SO annoying sometimes!), how everyone else seems to have a work out buddy but I don't (poor lonely me)! All these things did/do sometimes run through my mind, but I decided I don't care about them really. They are the weeds. They stop me from enjoying working out.

I could spend months/years finding the perfect outfit to secure my lovely lady lumps, I could do exercises that always benefit the same area so I'd see the effects more immediate, leach on to someone for some companionship, but I'm missing the whole point! Finally I stop and think, "I am SO off track! What rabbit hole did go down to get this far off track?"


I like positive people. I like real people. I won't lie, I like those dramatic people who never think they are talking about themselves too :D They are so funny! Probably not on purpose, but they do make life fun! (Smiling is so important.)

If I am asking myself how I can change to fit in better... I may need to find a new atmosphere or maybe it's just time to change my way of thinking :) Oh and that's not as simple as that I know, but when you are ready to release that to God, He gives you the grace to make that permanent change in your belief system. Then again, if you are surrounded by people constantly pointing that fault out, it'd be a lot easier to surrender the wrong way of thinking if you got out of the situation. It may be their fault for being jerks, but you can choose not to accept it. You can choose to get away from it. A lie from a smiley face is still a lie.

I still let people dictate my identity. I spent years refusing to believe this because I knew I wasn't supposed to, but having people constantly telling me how/what I need to change makes it difficult to find my identity in the only One that matters. Even telling me that I need to do that... is still reinforcing my identity as not being there.

From Bondage: So please tell me how to change for you so you can stand to be around me where I don't make your own insecurities blindingly painful for you...
To Freedom: ______________________________________________ (<- blank slate/empty flower bed)

I want to grow... not keep going in circles...

Something has been festering in me for awhile. I heard a phrase once, long ago, and took it as true because at the time, I believed it was supported by other facts I later changed my thinking about, but it never set right deep in me. Later, I decided it wasn't true but I understood why the people that believed it did. Then, the phrase kept coming out of my mouth as a joke. It was what I said to be sarcastic about such absurdity. It was used and produced hurt and blame, so I used it as sarcasm to ease that pain. However, the more I said it, I decided that I actually do believe it. And, it has so much power behind it. If I could only believe it fully, it would change everything. That is the short version...


Now for the Long version:



Here's the phrase, "You are the common denominator"



The first time I ever heard this, it was in the context of something in an individual that makes everyone they come in contact with treat them different then usual, but universally the same. You are the common denominator. For example, if you are angry all the time, you will treat everyone you come into contact with rudely, or you'll misplace your anger. Most likely, everyone around you will put up guards or just get too busy thus treating you differently. Therefore, there is something in you that you need to change (your anger) bc you are the common denominator of people putting up guards or avoiding you.

{I understand how this does make sense… but this is not refering to what it is, but about how to produce change, I’m talking about advice given to me hoping for a change in me and a state of mind that impacted me for way to long}

After agreeing with it for awhile, I decided I did not agree with this as a true statement to store in my heart. It never seemed to do any good. I guess when first changing my mind, I just kinda knew it was wrong, believing it didn’t produce anything Godly. Just rebellion really. There was really just mixed messages. “You are aweful. I love you!” Just doesn’t really go together…

{At this point it got easy to find examples in the lives of the people who would say this where they were common denominators. *this was wrong of me!* In order to defend myself from the hurt inflicted by someone else pointing out my failure, I would judge them and their lives and justify why them telling me where my shortcomings were didn’t matter. We all do it, some more then others, but once falling into that judgmental state of mind… it was like a bog, or quicksand. Those people no longer had any say as to what went into my heart. Even if you say the most wise and profound statements, if you are a jerk, you almost become useless, because nobody wants to receive from someone they can’t respect. There is fault at both ends of that, I think.}



After a little while, I would randomly think about this special phrase. It would just turn in my mind. Turn and turn. That’s when I decided I do agree with it, totally believe it. But, there is one thing off and as we know, if even one thing is off, it ruins the whole loaf.

The statement, “You are the common denominator” I totally agree with, but when I think about it, it gives me power! It gives me opportunity! It gives me hope. All fine characteristics of God with very positive products. So it has to be in a different way then the connotation originally designated to it.

{I also want to include I don't think one can "fix" themselves. A lifetime of screwing that up has taught me God changes your heart when you submit yourself to Him and His ways. So pointing out flaws is good for one thing. Finding a root inside and dealing with it between you and God. Or so I've found...}

It’s never difficult to look at life and say, “Why is this happening to me?!?!” You can always find the bad things in life to dwell on. Before you know it, you are on the floor crying, wondering who can help you make your life livable… just someone to call. Someone to beg to help you when you don’t even know what exactly is wrong. When you hit rock bottom, you look for a starting point. Where did things go wrong. Am I this common denominator? Did I do all this to myself?


What is this that is within myself to blame. Let’s face it, that is a long list! Going through all of this in my head, wondering how to make it disappear long enough to put myself back together just a little bit. Even if just enough to get to step two.


But then He whispered it to me. “You are the common denominator.”


No, not that list of problems… my TRUE identity. It was my flesh, looking at itself, that made that long list of failures (and performed them top quality)! It was my flesh that can still remember every sin I struggle with in HD. It is also my flesh that thinks she can fix those things, that I can do anything to better myself…


But it’s NOT who I am.


Who I am is awesome when I am most naturally myself. I am fun, outgoing, energetic, spontaneous, unique and one of the best people to have around! But most importantly, I am washed clean of all sin past, present, and future. I am also His ambassador on this earth so I have everything of His that I need at my disposal.



So why was this awesome, pure, remade image of Christ sunk down fetal position trying to find reasons to get up again? Because my old flesh was my common denominator, and you will never live life as God intended like that. When He whispered that, I saw everything through the new eyes seeing myself as I really am. Washed, clean, and free to be the unique individual that He made me to be. I am the common denominator and I will bring MYSELF into all the areas of my life and to everyone I encounter.

My Glorified Status Update

I have decided something. Blogging is like longer status updates :) It's always full of stuff people are learning! It's opinions and ideas that people can read about someone else. I was reading someone's blog and thought to myself, "hmmm, i don't think they even fully grasp what they are writing... they obviously don't get it" but then i realized, it's what their heart is learning! They may not exhibit what they say yet, but if they are encouraged, they will! Not, necessarily encouraged by people. But, then I started looking back on my own blogs. They are all a very difficult learning process I went through! Reading through the verses I blogged about was a long process that taught me that I can't learn from a man. Even if what they are teaching is right. If I do something because somebody else told me too, that's not following God! I don't work like that! I mean, my personality, my love languages, the aspects that make up ME, I shouldn't try to do that. I will always put up a person before God as an idol. Not on purpose, just because that's how I am made up. That's hard for me to accept because I grew up in church under the idea that there are people above me and I need to look up to them and do as they say because they are the elders or they are wiser. Yea, been there, done that, guess what happens, I make them idols. I do what they say, avoid the particular sin living "wisely" avoids, but God isn't even in the picture :) It's true! That's what I did/do to someone I look up to! Then I realized nobody should be on a pedestal... but you can't "look up" to someone if they aren't on a pedestal... But you know what nobody ever says, "I grew up drawing so close to God and letting Him direct everything I do... boy do I wish I had a person there between us!" hahaha! Of course not! One thing Jesus did when He died was ripped the veil! The veil that only a high priest could go behind, the only person who could go before God! So, why would He do that just to have someone else step in, in order for you can get closer to God? Now, everyone's wondering if I am bashing the institutional church aren't you? haha anyone who reads that and has an impure heart has already decided! I am 100% for a church described by the Bible! Teaching how to study the bible more effectively or having people who love you more then themselves help support you through a life filled with sin, yeah, that'd be awesome! I recently had a friend who knew he could sin (like he strongly wanted to) or not sin (but really really wish he had) and he didn't know what to do bc it wasn't something he could just let go of and he was falling apart because of it! I had a dream and he asked what it was about. All I told him was "If you don't do this particular sin, fine. If you do, God will be there to help you walk through your choice. He'll still love you completely." Imagine if instead of people looking at you and you can FEEL the disapproval radiating from them, they radiated love! The love of God! Maybe you wouldn't need to fill that place in you with sinfulness because that Godly love has completely drenched you and overflowed your cup! Yes, I believe a church like that where people care so much more about each other then ANYTHING else would be so wonderful! I know when I worship with other believers, it seems to take something regular and make it powerful! Make it supernaturally potent. I guess it's difficult to describe. So, this is my glorified status update! It is what I am learning as I try to unlearn ungodly ideas picked up along my 27 years. This is my story so far. A person with true compassion doesn't see the prostitute and think she must love sex, they see the prostitute and understand it's the result of something else. A lack somewhere else, and loves her, not waiting for her to stop her actions.

Deep

My kids don't love me because I treat them like kings. My kids love me because I'm their mom. They don't love me because of anything I do... they just do. I don't love my kids because they are perfect little angels. I love them because I do. No reason, I just do. God loves me because He sees my true worth. He doesn't see the mistakes I make. He sees me as full of worth. He sees all my potential. He sees me. I have a difficult time loving God because I see Him as all the people who try and tell me how I'm supposed to act. I see Him as humans have described Him through words and deeds. The people who do see my mistakes. The people who can't see past my faults (Bless my heart). I don't see Him because of the forgery I made of Him out of religion. I realized today that Christians should act like Christians because all the Hell-bound humans are watching. They shouldn't be acting like Christians because someone is watching (church superiors or godless heathens). They should be drawing close to God. Period. The rest will follow. Doing this, will teach "less mature" followers to do the same. People who have not yet learned their identity in Christ are going to watch and learn from their "superiors" aka elders, pastors, teachers,ect. Are you teaching them how to behave or how to act? Maybe instead, teach them to grow close to God. My view of God is warped. I have to go back and stop believing a lot before I have a clear picture again. I know I learn differently then most people. I learn by the attitude instead of by words. "Love one another" is not a list of Do's and Don'ts. It's a heart. It's God's heart. You can't learn God's heart. It's something that grows in you the closer you get to Him. I hate that I can't see God as He is because I chose to learn from the hearts I've learned from. I'm so sick of people (myself included) who try and use their knowledge that they learned about God to impress, hurt, demean, or exalt themselves above others. He who walks with the wise grows wise. He who walks with people who seek God, grows to seek God. The companion of fools, suffers harm. No one who ever experienced the Love of God said, "oh, you know what, I don't think that's right." Because it was just THAT good. I know no one is perfect, but if you are incapable of actually loving people, just stop pretending! You hurt them in the long run. And no, it's not their fault. But I do think it's true. You have to be capable of receiving love from God in order to reciprocate it. From Bondage: Show me who God is. To Freedom: Who are you, God?

I need to vent...

I think... I think I am going to take a minute to unload... then if I feel like I should take this off, I will. There is a slight probability that do this too, but I am so tired of people lashing out and trying to "correct" others to stroke their own vain egos on facebook while backing it up using God. Most people say "If you can't say it to my face, then don't put it on facebook!" but they don't really want that to happen. They don't want to be called out on their junk and even if they are, they are incapable of accepting responsibility until they realize that yes, it IS their fault they are like this and they CAN change! Basically what my annoyance comes down to is being SO insecure with your own identity that you have to go to someone else and say "You are wrong and here's why..." on someone else's wall about their OPINION! Why would you do that! Why would you make such a fool out of yourself! Let's say you are right, if this person disagrees, you've just made it THAT MUCH HARDER for them to change their actions!(Obviously you cared more about being right then about a person) Now, let's say your wrong, you just made a fool of yourself by declaring an opinion that is unhelpful in any way! But facebook is the best place to put that stuff bc then you don't have to have any kind of guts or backbone, you can just post it and then hope someone will "like" it so that you don't feel so alone out there. Let me tell ya, if the people that like it are your "superiors", you aren't who you think you are. You are pretty much the opposite of the guy they called "Jesus" in the Bible. You are a jerk. If the person whose wall you put it on "like"s it... then you may have accomplished SOME good. But here's the hard part... YOU DON'T ACTUALLY CARE A LICK ABOUT THAT PERSON. Yet, you call yourself a christian. maybe even a preacher or a leadership position. You have no love in you. You may even post scripture to back it up!!! So did the pharasees. Egh, so did the devil! If you loved this person, they'd know it for one, and you wouldn't want to put ANYthing up that might hurt them. You are a jerk. You are out for your own personal gain. Don't pull a loving compassionate God into your evil, crocked plans. Repent, then at least you have a chance of happiness at life. And if this offends you then I'm probably talking about something you'd do or you've done.

Just had to get it out

It has been a while since my last blog. The last one was a step I had to take to step away from "stuff". Too many different things to name. It's funny how all the things that were real came with me. The fake/false stayed behind a lifetime ago that was only a couple months. I'm still only halfway through this "transition" but I already have so much answered that I didn't even know I was questioning.

This morning I heard I Cor 13:1&2:

If I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

(These verses answered... SO much for me...)

A couple weeks ago I heard someone giving a testimony. They talked about how they did all these different things for God, in God's name, and giving glory to God. They stared noticing that all the things they had been doing stopped working. For instance, he used to get awesome prophetic words over people and change lives then he stopped getting words. To sum up what happened, his heart had started to be invested in his ministry more then God. God took this man back to a place where he sought the Lord more then the stuff he could do for the Lord.

When he gave this testimony, I immediately identified with it! I didn't even KNOW that's why God was having me step down when I did and just by following the Lord's instructions I was brought out of what I could do for God into a place where I can learn to passionately pursue God. And then my road cleared before my eyes. I pursue God, and my ministry happens behind me without any help from me. :)

I have always felt pressured to sound really good. To look like I know what I am talking about all the time. And it has always bothered me that I forget what people say a lot. Someone could preach an hour long sermon and I can't remember it most of the time. It's happened my whole life.

I used to go to a friends house and her parents would ask what we learned in church and I had no answer even though I had tried to listen really well. (bc I knew this question was coming and I wanted to be able to answer) I always just repeated what my friend said because I didn't have a clue.

Recently I have discovered what I true blessing this is. What it actually is is my heart not receiving anything that a- is untrue or b- I am not ready to hear or receive. I know everything that sticks is Godly because the Spirit has to put it in my heart Himself! If it's not in my heart what good is it anyways!

Verse two talks about people who read, memorize the words and can repeat it backwards AND tell you all the other books that have it written in there to (this isn't bad in itself) but they can't love others bc that's the most difficult thing to do. That's letting God into the deepest part of you and trusting Him in there. That is hard to do. Most people who know what I am talking about are going "yea it is". but I really don't care about having all that knowledge anymore. I've seen what happens when you use your knowledge against people. You hurt them. And you show your incapability to Love. But it can't be held against these people bc they just haven't experienced the Love of God themselves. It's actually pitiable.

When you know God's love, it's something you recognize coming out of others even if you've never met them. There are people I don't see for years, then I'll run into them and I recognize their heart bc I know my God's heart. It's a connection that points to God.

So, if I have ever fooled you into thinking I know tons about God bc I needed to edify myself while still looking like a "christian"... I'm sorry (and i KNOW i have done this). I am repenting now and hopefully I'll be back to that place where I can LOVE people unconditionally real soon. Until then, just know I'm me... the real me is still in here... she just got covered up by junk I thought was necessary. It's difficult to let go of all the false knowledge I've gained over the past... 27 years :)

I think I am starting to understand pruning...

From Bondage: I'm sick of you, but I'm not going to be honest about it.
To Liberty: I love you. And love covers a multitude of sin.

Oh God help us to have a heart like yours. It is the ONLY way to do this.

Wow...

2 Peter 1:3 (MSG)- Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation ever received!

(AMP)-For His divine power has bestowed upon us all things that [are requisite and suited] to life and godliness, through the [full, personal] knowledge of Him Who called us by and to His own glory and excellence (virtue).


I wrote this on someone's wall... about 5 seconds ago:

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Sometimes when Jon (my 2 yr old) is bad, instead of telling him "NO" i just tell him how that isn't how he really is... kinda "You don't really want to act like that, you are a good boy" kinda thing. When someone tells me what my true character looks like, I change. When someone tells me I shouldn't do something, I kinda go "duh" bc that's not helpful. It's like pointing at a broken tv and saying "that tv is broken"... duh, if you want to be useful, tell me what it looked like before it was broken and I'll let the expert (God) take it from there.

This is from your Character blog.

I also never connected God's character as in the moral and ethical quality that never changes or fails to the character that is in me. I think I still see myself as one who has to gain those qualities through life's trials instead of seeing them within me and letting them flow out. They are of God (as all good things are) :)

I wanted to write this and didn't think you'd mind :)
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Wow...

From bondage: I have to purify myself: out with the old in with the new
To Liberty: I have all things that pertain to life and liberty.

By the way, When I do that with Jon, he usually doesn't do it again or it is a less frequently done behavior then if i just say no which lasts... 10 seconds :)