Ba dum chssssss

The whole point of a garden isn't to keep pulling weeds out of it... it's to encourage the growth of something beautiful through tender love and care. Water when it needs it and pull the occasional weed when you need to. You can't grow anything deliberately if you concentrate only on all the things that are not wanted there.

It's not difficult to find people ready to point out all the things wrong with you. Everyone is ready to give you advice that will help you be a better person.

I see ads ALL the time for people who are willing to let you pay them so they can do whatever is more socially acceptable. Make up, hair, clothes, health, music, tv, education, etc. I want to hire all these people. Then I see my insecurities all to well.

I spend so much time trying to improve myself and my life that I have very little time to actually live it!

I go to the gym at least 3 days a week. I started going because I needed to move from a state of extremely unhealthy into a state of super model. Not really, but I want to be healthy again. It was getting really difficult to make myself keep going! There is something bitter about doing something that is really difficult to do with no immediate evidence of change. Especially when it's so easy to get out of!

I ended up changing my way of thinking. I don't go to look good or get in shape (that's just a benefit). Now I go because it's two hours of child care where my boys can get their energy out while I basically talk to people :D I can read, I can take my pent up anxiety out on the trainers... ugh I mean, machines! And I have noticed that when I am there, I smile more. Yes, there are plenty medical reasons for this reaction (endorphins and such), but I don't think about the reasons... I think, "Hmm... that's a positive place for me to go" so I go back.

I could easily point out SEVERAL things that I could dwell on... how I look when I'm running (IS NOT PRETTY), how I am not as social as I used to be (big deal for me), how there's no immediate effect of the work I put into it (SO annoying sometimes!), how everyone else seems to have a work out buddy but I don't (poor lonely me)! All these things did/do sometimes run through my mind, but I decided I don't care about them really. They are the weeds. They stop me from enjoying working out.

I could spend months/years finding the perfect outfit to secure my lovely lady lumps, I could do exercises that always benefit the same area so I'd see the effects more immediate, leach on to someone for some companionship, but I'm missing the whole point! Finally I stop and think, "I am SO off track! What rabbit hole did go down to get this far off track?"


I like positive people. I like real people. I won't lie, I like those dramatic people who never think they are talking about themselves too :D They are so funny! Probably not on purpose, but they do make life fun! (Smiling is so important.)

If I am asking myself how I can change to fit in better... I may need to find a new atmosphere or maybe it's just time to change my way of thinking :) Oh and that's not as simple as that I know, but when you are ready to release that to God, He gives you the grace to make that permanent change in your belief system. Then again, if you are surrounded by people constantly pointing that fault out, it'd be a lot easier to surrender the wrong way of thinking if you got out of the situation. It may be their fault for being jerks, but you can choose not to accept it. You can choose to get away from it. A lie from a smiley face is still a lie.

I still let people dictate my identity. I spent years refusing to believe this because I knew I wasn't supposed to, but having people constantly telling me how/what I need to change makes it difficult to find my identity in the only One that matters. Even telling me that I need to do that... is still reinforcing my identity as not being there.

From Bondage: So please tell me how to change for you so you can stand to be around me where I don't make your own insecurities blindingly painful for you...
To Freedom: ______________________________________________ (<- blank slate/empty flower bed)

I want to grow... not keep going in circles...

Something has been festering in me for awhile. I heard a phrase once, long ago, and took it as true because at the time, I believed it was supported by other facts I later changed my thinking about, but it never set right deep in me. Later, I decided it wasn't true but I understood why the people that believed it did. Then, the phrase kept coming out of my mouth as a joke. It was what I said to be sarcastic about such absurdity. It was used and produced hurt and blame, so I used it as sarcasm to ease that pain. However, the more I said it, I decided that I actually do believe it. And, it has so much power behind it. If I could only believe it fully, it would change everything. That is the short version...


Now for the Long version:



Here's the phrase, "You are the common denominator"



The first time I ever heard this, it was in the context of something in an individual that makes everyone they come in contact with treat them different then usual, but universally the same. You are the common denominator. For example, if you are angry all the time, you will treat everyone you come into contact with rudely, or you'll misplace your anger. Most likely, everyone around you will put up guards or just get too busy thus treating you differently. Therefore, there is something in you that you need to change (your anger) bc you are the common denominator of people putting up guards or avoiding you.

{I understand how this does make sense… but this is not refering to what it is, but about how to produce change, I’m talking about advice given to me hoping for a change in me and a state of mind that impacted me for way to long}

After agreeing with it for awhile, I decided I did not agree with this as a true statement to store in my heart. It never seemed to do any good. I guess when first changing my mind, I just kinda knew it was wrong, believing it didn’t produce anything Godly. Just rebellion really. There was really just mixed messages. “You are aweful. I love you!” Just doesn’t really go together…

{At this point it got easy to find examples in the lives of the people who would say this where they were common denominators. *this was wrong of me!* In order to defend myself from the hurt inflicted by someone else pointing out my failure, I would judge them and their lives and justify why them telling me where my shortcomings were didn’t matter. We all do it, some more then others, but once falling into that judgmental state of mind… it was like a bog, or quicksand. Those people no longer had any say as to what went into my heart. Even if you say the most wise and profound statements, if you are a jerk, you almost become useless, because nobody wants to receive from someone they can’t respect. There is fault at both ends of that, I think.}



After a little while, I would randomly think about this special phrase. It would just turn in my mind. Turn and turn. That’s when I decided I do agree with it, totally believe it. But, there is one thing off and as we know, if even one thing is off, it ruins the whole loaf.

The statement, “You are the common denominator” I totally agree with, but when I think about it, it gives me power! It gives me opportunity! It gives me hope. All fine characteristics of God with very positive products. So it has to be in a different way then the connotation originally designated to it.

{I also want to include I don't think one can "fix" themselves. A lifetime of screwing that up has taught me God changes your heart when you submit yourself to Him and His ways. So pointing out flaws is good for one thing. Finding a root inside and dealing with it between you and God. Or so I've found...}

It’s never difficult to look at life and say, “Why is this happening to me?!?!” You can always find the bad things in life to dwell on. Before you know it, you are on the floor crying, wondering who can help you make your life livable… just someone to call. Someone to beg to help you when you don’t even know what exactly is wrong. When you hit rock bottom, you look for a starting point. Where did things go wrong. Am I this common denominator? Did I do all this to myself?


What is this that is within myself to blame. Let’s face it, that is a long list! Going through all of this in my head, wondering how to make it disappear long enough to put myself back together just a little bit. Even if just enough to get to step two.


But then He whispered it to me. “You are the common denominator.”


No, not that list of problems… my TRUE identity. It was my flesh, looking at itself, that made that long list of failures (and performed them top quality)! It was my flesh that can still remember every sin I struggle with in HD. It is also my flesh that thinks she can fix those things, that I can do anything to better myself…


But it’s NOT who I am.


Who I am is awesome when I am most naturally myself. I am fun, outgoing, energetic, spontaneous, unique and one of the best people to have around! But most importantly, I am washed clean of all sin past, present, and future. I am also His ambassador on this earth so I have everything of His that I need at my disposal.



So why was this awesome, pure, remade image of Christ sunk down fetal position trying to find reasons to get up again? Because my old flesh was my common denominator, and you will never live life as God intended like that. When He whispered that, I saw everything through the new eyes seeing myself as I really am. Washed, clean, and free to be the unique individual that He made me to be. I am the common denominator and I will bring MYSELF into all the areas of my life and to everyone I encounter.

My Glorified Status Update

I have decided something. Blogging is like longer status updates :) It's always full of stuff people are learning! It's opinions and ideas that people can read about someone else. I was reading someone's blog and thought to myself, "hmmm, i don't think they even fully grasp what they are writing... they obviously don't get it" but then i realized, it's what their heart is learning! They may not exhibit what they say yet, but if they are encouraged, they will! Not, necessarily encouraged by people. But, then I started looking back on my own blogs. They are all a very difficult learning process I went through! Reading through the verses I blogged about was a long process that taught me that I can't learn from a man. Even if what they are teaching is right. If I do something because somebody else told me too, that's not following God! I don't work like that! I mean, my personality, my love languages, the aspects that make up ME, I shouldn't try to do that. I will always put up a person before God as an idol. Not on purpose, just because that's how I am made up. That's hard for me to accept because I grew up in church under the idea that there are people above me and I need to look up to them and do as they say because they are the elders or they are wiser. Yea, been there, done that, guess what happens, I make them idols. I do what they say, avoid the particular sin living "wisely" avoids, but God isn't even in the picture :) It's true! That's what I did/do to someone I look up to! Then I realized nobody should be on a pedestal... but you can't "look up" to someone if they aren't on a pedestal... But you know what nobody ever says, "I grew up drawing so close to God and letting Him direct everything I do... boy do I wish I had a person there between us!" hahaha! Of course not! One thing Jesus did when He died was ripped the veil! The veil that only a high priest could go behind, the only person who could go before God! So, why would He do that just to have someone else step in, in order for you can get closer to God? Now, everyone's wondering if I am bashing the institutional church aren't you? haha anyone who reads that and has an impure heart has already decided! I am 100% for a church described by the Bible! Teaching how to study the bible more effectively or having people who love you more then themselves help support you through a life filled with sin, yeah, that'd be awesome! I recently had a friend who knew he could sin (like he strongly wanted to) or not sin (but really really wish he had) and he didn't know what to do bc it wasn't something he could just let go of and he was falling apart because of it! I had a dream and he asked what it was about. All I told him was "If you don't do this particular sin, fine. If you do, God will be there to help you walk through your choice. He'll still love you completely." Imagine if instead of people looking at you and you can FEEL the disapproval radiating from them, they radiated love! The love of God! Maybe you wouldn't need to fill that place in you with sinfulness because that Godly love has completely drenched you and overflowed your cup! Yes, I believe a church like that where people care so much more about each other then ANYTHING else would be so wonderful! I know when I worship with other believers, it seems to take something regular and make it powerful! Make it supernaturally potent. I guess it's difficult to describe. So, this is my glorified status update! It is what I am learning as I try to unlearn ungodly ideas picked up along my 27 years. This is my story so far. A person with true compassion doesn't see the prostitute and think she must love sex, they see the prostitute and understand it's the result of something else. A lack somewhere else, and loves her, not waiting for her to stop her actions.

Deep

My kids don't love me because I treat them like kings. My kids love me because I'm their mom. They don't love me because of anything I do... they just do. I don't love my kids because they are perfect little angels. I love them because I do. No reason, I just do. God loves me because He sees my true worth. He doesn't see the mistakes I make. He sees me as full of worth. He sees all my potential. He sees me. I have a difficult time loving God because I see Him as all the people who try and tell me how I'm supposed to act. I see Him as humans have described Him through words and deeds. The people who do see my mistakes. The people who can't see past my faults (Bless my heart). I don't see Him because of the forgery I made of Him out of religion. I realized today that Christians should act like Christians because all the Hell-bound humans are watching. They shouldn't be acting like Christians because someone is watching (church superiors or godless heathens). They should be drawing close to God. Period. The rest will follow. Doing this, will teach "less mature" followers to do the same. People who have not yet learned their identity in Christ are going to watch and learn from their "superiors" aka elders, pastors, teachers,ect. Are you teaching them how to behave or how to act? Maybe instead, teach them to grow close to God. My view of God is warped. I have to go back and stop believing a lot before I have a clear picture again. I know I learn differently then most people. I learn by the attitude instead of by words. "Love one another" is not a list of Do's and Don'ts. It's a heart. It's God's heart. You can't learn God's heart. It's something that grows in you the closer you get to Him. I hate that I can't see God as He is because I chose to learn from the hearts I've learned from. I'm so sick of people (myself included) who try and use their knowledge that they learned about God to impress, hurt, demean, or exalt themselves above others. He who walks with the wise grows wise. He who walks with people who seek God, grows to seek God. The companion of fools, suffers harm. No one who ever experienced the Love of God said, "oh, you know what, I don't think that's right." Because it was just THAT good. I know no one is perfect, but if you are incapable of actually loving people, just stop pretending! You hurt them in the long run. And no, it's not their fault. But I do think it's true. You have to be capable of receiving love from God in order to reciprocate it. From Bondage: Show me who God is. To Freedom: Who are you, God?

I need to vent...

I think... I think I am going to take a minute to unload... then if I feel like I should take this off, I will. There is a slight probability that do this too, but I am so tired of people lashing out and trying to "correct" others to stroke their own vain egos on facebook while backing it up using God. Most people say "If you can't say it to my face, then don't put it on facebook!" but they don't really want that to happen. They don't want to be called out on their junk and even if they are, they are incapable of accepting responsibility until they realize that yes, it IS their fault they are like this and they CAN change! Basically what my annoyance comes down to is being SO insecure with your own identity that you have to go to someone else and say "You are wrong and here's why..." on someone else's wall about their OPINION! Why would you do that! Why would you make such a fool out of yourself! Let's say you are right, if this person disagrees, you've just made it THAT MUCH HARDER for them to change their actions!(Obviously you cared more about being right then about a person) Now, let's say your wrong, you just made a fool of yourself by declaring an opinion that is unhelpful in any way! But facebook is the best place to put that stuff bc then you don't have to have any kind of guts or backbone, you can just post it and then hope someone will "like" it so that you don't feel so alone out there. Let me tell ya, if the people that like it are your "superiors", you aren't who you think you are. You are pretty much the opposite of the guy they called "Jesus" in the Bible. You are a jerk. If the person whose wall you put it on "like"s it... then you may have accomplished SOME good. But here's the hard part... YOU DON'T ACTUALLY CARE A LICK ABOUT THAT PERSON. Yet, you call yourself a christian. maybe even a preacher or a leadership position. You have no love in you. You may even post scripture to back it up!!! So did the pharasees. Egh, so did the devil! If you loved this person, they'd know it for one, and you wouldn't want to put ANYthing up that might hurt them. You are a jerk. You are out for your own personal gain. Don't pull a loving compassionate God into your evil, crocked plans. Repent, then at least you have a chance of happiness at life. And if this offends you then I'm probably talking about something you'd do or you've done.

Just had to get it out

It has been a while since my last blog. The last one was a step I had to take to step away from "stuff". Too many different things to name. It's funny how all the things that were real came with me. The fake/false stayed behind a lifetime ago that was only a couple months. I'm still only halfway through this "transition" but I already have so much answered that I didn't even know I was questioning.

This morning I heard I Cor 13:1&2:

If I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).

(These verses answered... SO much for me...)

A couple weeks ago I heard someone giving a testimony. They talked about how they did all these different things for God, in God's name, and giving glory to God. They stared noticing that all the things they had been doing stopped working. For instance, he used to get awesome prophetic words over people and change lives then he stopped getting words. To sum up what happened, his heart had started to be invested in his ministry more then God. God took this man back to a place where he sought the Lord more then the stuff he could do for the Lord.

When he gave this testimony, I immediately identified with it! I didn't even KNOW that's why God was having me step down when I did and just by following the Lord's instructions I was brought out of what I could do for God into a place where I can learn to passionately pursue God. And then my road cleared before my eyes. I pursue God, and my ministry happens behind me without any help from me. :)

I have always felt pressured to sound really good. To look like I know what I am talking about all the time. And it has always bothered me that I forget what people say a lot. Someone could preach an hour long sermon and I can't remember it most of the time. It's happened my whole life.

I used to go to a friends house and her parents would ask what we learned in church and I had no answer even though I had tried to listen really well. (bc I knew this question was coming and I wanted to be able to answer) I always just repeated what my friend said because I didn't have a clue.

Recently I have discovered what I true blessing this is. What it actually is is my heart not receiving anything that a- is untrue or b- I am not ready to hear or receive. I know everything that sticks is Godly because the Spirit has to put it in my heart Himself! If it's not in my heart what good is it anyways!

Verse two talks about people who read, memorize the words and can repeat it backwards AND tell you all the other books that have it written in there to (this isn't bad in itself) but they can't love others bc that's the most difficult thing to do. That's letting God into the deepest part of you and trusting Him in there. That is hard to do. Most people who know what I am talking about are going "yea it is". but I really don't care about having all that knowledge anymore. I've seen what happens when you use your knowledge against people. You hurt them. And you show your incapability to Love. But it can't be held against these people bc they just haven't experienced the Love of God themselves. It's actually pitiable.

When you know God's love, it's something you recognize coming out of others even if you've never met them. There are people I don't see for years, then I'll run into them and I recognize their heart bc I know my God's heart. It's a connection that points to God.

So, if I have ever fooled you into thinking I know tons about God bc I needed to edify myself while still looking like a "christian"... I'm sorry (and i KNOW i have done this). I am repenting now and hopefully I'll be back to that place where I can LOVE people unconditionally real soon. Until then, just know I'm me... the real me is still in here... she just got covered up by junk I thought was necessary. It's difficult to let go of all the false knowledge I've gained over the past... 27 years :)

I think I am starting to understand pruning...

From Bondage: I'm sick of you, but I'm not going to be honest about it.
To Liberty: I love you. And love covers a multitude of sin.

Oh God help us to have a heart like yours. It is the ONLY way to do this.

Wow...

2 Peter 1:3 (MSG)- Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation ever received!

(AMP)-For His divine power has bestowed upon us all things that [are requisite and suited] to life and godliness, through the [full, personal] knowledge of Him Who called us by and to His own glory and excellence (virtue).


I wrote this on someone's wall... about 5 seconds ago:

-----
Sometimes when Jon (my 2 yr old) is bad, instead of telling him "NO" i just tell him how that isn't how he really is... kinda "You don't really want to act like that, you are a good boy" kinda thing. When someone tells me what my true character looks like, I change. When someone tells me I shouldn't do something, I kinda go "duh" bc that's not helpful. It's like pointing at a broken tv and saying "that tv is broken"... duh, if you want to be useful, tell me what it looked like before it was broken and I'll let the expert (God) take it from there.

This is from your Character blog.

I also never connected God's character as in the moral and ethical quality that never changes or fails to the character that is in me. I think I still see myself as one who has to gain those qualities through life's trials instead of seeing them within me and letting them flow out. They are of God (as all good things are) :)

I wanted to write this and didn't think you'd mind :)
--------


Wow...

From bondage: I have to purify myself: out with the old in with the new
To Liberty: I have all things that pertain to life and liberty.

By the way, When I do that with Jon, he usually doesn't do it again or it is a less frequently done behavior then if i just say no which lasts... 10 seconds :)

Something plain out encouraging

This is what I decided about myself, If I don't find this encouraging, then It's because I haven't been putting my hope in God. I have not been looking to Him for truth and wisdom. When I admit that to myself, this gives me a gentle shaking in my Spirit that something good is starting... starting small, and getting bigger. And no, this is not referring to my ministry, It's more like... God made butterflies, but the product that people will see from what happens with God Loving on me will be a ministry. It will be an external product or fruit! When you are so full of God that it overflows into everything you put your hand to, that's the best witness you can be :) That is my desire. That is my prayer for others. That is the only way to succeed in this life, because it's the only thing this life is about.

Psalm 62
1To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of David.

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from HIM comes my salvation.

2He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

3How long will all of you attack a man to batter him, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?

4They only plan to thrust him down from his high position. They take pleasure in falsehood. They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse. Selah

5For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.

6He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

7On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

8Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

9Those of low estate are but a breath; those of high estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.

10Put not trust in extortion; set no vain hopes in robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

11Once God has spoken; twice have i heard this: that power belongs to God,

12and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love. For you will render to a man according to His work.


Fill in your own blank

From Bondage:_________________
To Liberty:___________________


From Bondage: My ministry shows how good I'm doing for God.
To Liberty: My ministry will not come between me and God, my ultimate Love.

What's the fer???

I was watching Joseph Prince the other night. I really like his preaching. It is always like drinking fresh water. What he was talking about was how people couldn't possibly be strong enough to fight off unforgiveness and grudges and other temptations like that when they weren't "eating" anything good. Kind of a what are you filling yourself up with? What you eat is what you are. Then he said something I can not stop thinking about. He said most people when they go to church aren't fed anything that is sustaining. Wow... He said most people go to church to get filled up on philosophy, psychology, drama, politics, etc... Politics is the one that hit home for me. It felt like he was talking straight to me. The Spirit automatically started teaching me how it's not about politics or anything else. You don't go to church to better your life, you go to church bc having a relationship with God betters your life. It's all about God. It's ALL about God! If it's not about Him, something is wrong! What a beautiful relief to know that I don't have ANY obligations to man. I don't have anything to prove to anybody in any way! That frees me to follow true men and women of God without needing them and without expecting anything from them. That also means I don't have to prove myself to them. Even thinking I do takes away from God! Short but sweet.

From Bondage: I need to impress people and look like i know what I'm doing.
To Liberty: I need a relationship with God, that produces a real relationship that is warm and inviting to anyone I meet.

The Deal-E-O

Alright! For anyone who wants to know what God is doing in my life, here is an update.
I told everybody that I am "stepping down" from our worship team 2 weeks ago. I have been on the other side of this before, and know this can't happen without talk and rumors, but what God is doing on my side is WAY to big to let that get in the way!

I did this because God told me to. The vision He gave me, what He is telling me to do, is a different direction then what the worship team vision is, so it kinda makes sense that this should happen! I will need all my energy and focus for this new pursuit for the Kingdom :)

I don't have a completely clear idea of what God wants but following him with baby steps is better then not following Him at all. I am so excited about this though. Once I made the decision to be faithful, I've been getting a few more baby-steps at a time and it almost feels like I'm flying forward, every baby-step feels like a leap!

The main thing that I know is God wants to LOVE on Cookeville. He wants people to be able to worship Him and let Him minister to them where they are in their life walk without having to worry about anything! I may be dreaming big, but this is God's dream and I am merely catching onto it. The word that comes to mind is "Echo". I just want God's goodness to bounce off of me and out to any and all people who want it. Don't misunderstand, this is not about me, at least I don't want it to be. This is GOD. Anything good is just a replica of Him. I am well aware that It is not my abilities that God loves the most about me ;)

I know if God gave me a clear vision of what is to come, I'd get too excited, lose any patience, and try and do it myself. But just imagine... those small moments when you decide to give every single bit of you up, lay it down, just surrender to His will... NOTHING is impossible then... anything can happen! :)

I was telling a complete stranger about this the other day, and this person said "Oh my gosh! I feel the same way!" They went on to talk about how they are getting a passion for all the things that I want and I never even said anything about those things!!!! I'm not going to get too excited bc then I'll want to just GO GO GO!!! But I am so happy with God's orchestration :)

It's so ironic how this almost seems like a step backwards. I had a month long of "Are you sure?" to God. Stepping down off a worship team and all the ministry involvement almost seems like a step in the wrong directions, and finally God said "It's holding you back" Wow... that was interesting to receive... but God's heart is pure. Noble. Loving. He wasn't saying the team I was on was awful and terrible, He was saying, I am no longer in the right place and that I need to follow Him if I want to progress personally! What a great God! For anyone willing, He wants to take you up from where you are and lead you through the best path for your life! That may be a physical change... or just a mental change. Changing your mindset can sometimes be the most freeing! :)

A friend recently posted Psalm 23:1-6 on facebook

and as I read it, I was put at peace about every decision I am making. This is God's way for me. This is His perfect plain being walked out by a human (me) who can definitely make mistakes... but I'm willing :) As I read it, it was made so personal to me:

Jessica,
1-3 I am your shepherd! You don't need a thing apart from me.
I have bedded you down in lush meadows,
I find you quiet pools to drink from.
True to my word,
I let you catch your breath
... and send you in the right direction.

4 Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
Don't be afraid
when I am walking at your side.
My trusty shepherd's crook
makes you feel secure.

5 I serve you a six-course dinner
right in front of your enemies.
I revive your drooping head;
Your cup brims with blessing.

6 My beauty and love chase after you
every day of your life.
You are back home in the house of God
for the rest of your life.
psalms 23

Thank you, Father!

Well... That's the latest in my life :)

From Bondage: Wrong road!!!
To Liberty: Right road!!!

Doubling Up

Gal 6:7&8 (they are combined... difficult to separate)

(7)Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others- ignoring God-(8) harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds. But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.

I have been thinking about this verse because the way it starts. I keep wondering who would be stupid enough to try and make God look like a fool... but then He started talking to me :)

If you take a word from the Lord and use it in ANY other way then with pure love (even if you have "good intentions") that's what it is. Then you are hiding your manipulative heart behind "God's Word" and that just looks stupid but it doesn't make God look that way, it makes the sower look that way. For example, if you try and use God's word to tell someone that they are acting stupid but your heart isn't pure, you end up looking stupid bc everyone knows what is really going on and you've actually just created weeds. This will actually even persuade people to harden their hearts towards God. Hence the reason people get sick of religion. This is also a vain imagination bc you aren't looking at them as God sees them.

If you use the truth of God against someone, it's your life that reaps weeds. In order to use God's word like this, that means you don't understand Him either. Your heart hasn't been softened to Him. God is always Good, always having our hearts in His best interest.

This was some awesome insight! It is what the Lord has been showing me in my heart and then here it is in scripture! I love it!

1- Weeds are quick to multiply and choke out whatever they grow around. That sower will be known for choking people out. And everyone they influences now has to search themselves to see if they have properties in themselves planted by that sower that are actually weeds. They wouldn't even know they did unless they dropped their pride to look inside. The sower of weeds is gonna have such a hard heart and walls built up.

2- The right way to "plant"... is out of a response to what the Goodness of God has done/is doing in the sower. Letting God work in you, and naturally responding with that change. What can you possibly have to offer that hasn't come from God first? You can't give that which you don't have and you don't have anything unless you have God. Wow... pressure is coming off!! :)

The other day I read something that makes a good example of these two sowers:

The first sower used God to show someone else how wrong they were. The heart of the statement was said ruthless with a "You are wrong and you should figure it out and shut up" attitude. This was not love. My heart cringed at it. It wasn't towards me, but if it had been i definitely wouldn't have received it, AND it probably would have helped harden my heart towards the God this person was talking about.

Then I read a post a good friend wrote on his wife's wall. This sower was building her up and saying to her what God says about her. It wasn't to me, but it encouraged me to check my heart to see if my actions lined up with what God says about me, who I REALLY am. I realized I wasn't and repented! My pride jumped up, but I chose not to let it win! It was a conviction or righteousness! I thanked the person because even though it wasn't for me, it helped me! Perfect example!

The first person was growing weeds. The second, harvested good things without even realizing it!

from bondage: I can prove i know God.
To Liberty: Change my heart oh God, make it yours, then the response will be natural and purely You!

What to listen to...

What consumes my mind?

hmmm... probably worship... songs... church... relationships... my kids... God... my marriage... my home... my job... obligations and commitments... projects...

All these topics have subtopics and under those more topics.

The only thing in the list that should consume my mind is God and having a relationship with Him. He then subtopics all those in the right place at the right time... but that's not really how it works. I think about how to improve or perform at my utmost excellence everything I do and then add His opinion in when needed. At one point or another, I was taught that as a Christian, that's what we do. There was a line I heard recently that said "And even when i don't know what to do, I'll cast all my cares upon you" and let me tell you, crying out to God in times of need haven't been to much of a problem for me... it's all the other times. Casting my cares when I have plenty of ideas of what I could do but those idea's may not be the Lord's will or the most direct path to the best thing for my life. God doesn't want me to petition His opinion when I don't know what to do, He wants me to talk to Him about everything so that He can help me choose the best path to go down even when it looks like it's not the best. It is because He said it is. But do I trust Him? EVEN WHEN CIRCUMSTANCES OR SURROUNDINGS

SHOW ME DIFFERENTLY, I will trust him.

*I am not saying that I dislike that song, I am merely pointing out what the Lord showed me during it. It is a great song to encourage someone willing to lay down their pride that God is there to help.

From Bondage: I cry out to the Lord when my heart is heavy and think about His opinion when I can't handle what I have.
To Freedom: I keep my eyes on the Lord at ALL times, and He will direct my path bad AND good... plus the above ;)

ps- This one is gonna take awhile to get down to my heart. I want it, but choosing to think on the Lord when it's so easy to think on other things is difficult sometimes. God help me, I need it.

I'm seeing things...

I woke up this morning after rough night last night at 6:00 am... anyone who knows me knows this is torturous...

I woke with a vision and feel i need to share it.

I saw a mighty rushing river that was not noisy as I moved back slowly, I saw three pillars close up and I thought that I wanted to be one so as I was thinking "God, make me a pillar to stand against the floods" God says " You don't want to be one of those... they hardly feel me (the flood) and don't recognize that it (the flood) is Me moving all around them."

Then I got another one...

The previous pic was in the palm of Gods hand. "They may not be in my will, but they are in my hand". (Speaking of the pillars)

I wrote this because so many people would have the first thought of "This is about so and so!" (Someone other then themselves) If that is you, this is for you. You need to be washed. :) (Like how i add in the smile to make it a little easier to take?)

The Lord has been showing me a lot lately about how He wants His mighty Spirit to wash clean the hearts of people and basically get all the junk out that is putting blinders on them. We are His chosen people need to stop living so judgmentally. (yes, this was givin to me bc it's about me too!) ;)

Last Sunday I was trying to lead worship and I had a vision of a record playing but it had a metal clasp on it. Every time it would circle around playing music until it got to the metal clasp, then that would jump the needle making the music bump so that you never get a complete cycle. This was me last Sunday and I know exactly why. I have so much knowledge about my surroundings that every time I'd start to minister, my needle would jump and I'd be reset at zero. I prayed "God help me get the clasp off" and he said "it's in your heart, you're the one who has to release it". And slowly, I am. That clasp represents a safety wall I have built to stop people from effecting my heart. It also stops the flow of the Spirit. I can not be effective if there is ANY wall on my heart. Anytime I am it's because I have broken it down.

I realize this open exposure about me would give some people power or ammunition to use against me, and if you feel like it does for you, shame on you for being so far from the Lord's heart. :) (yes, another smiley face to ease your pain)

From Bondage: I am trying so hard to be strong that I'm missing the Spirit...
To Freedom: The Spirit of God is all around me always, I'm releasing myself to it...


*After I wrote and published this, i realized something about this message that was personal to me... When my vision started, it was so close up to the pillars that i couldn't see the water around them very well. The focus on my life shouldn't be the pillars, it should be ONLY God. Period. (Trying to decide if i need another smiley face)
*You know what the difference between pillars and trees are? trees have roots.

Not showing off how you "hear from the Lord"

I decided to cont through Gal 6 because I need to force my mind to think about God. So much is happening in my life making me reevaluate who I look up to and see the God I know in. That's a scary place because it is exactly what I have been blogging about not doing! Obviously, this is still in my heart.

Gal 6:6

Let him who receives instruction in the Word [of God] share all good things with his teacher [contributing to his support].

This verse says the receiver of the Word is learning from God. Then sharing with his "teacher". Kinda like when a child does a math problem, and a teacher checks it. The teacher teaches the child to do math, the child does it, then the teacher checks it. But then the child grows up and no longer needs a teacher for that teacher would become a crutch. Instead the teacher turns into a co-worker. He is still there for support but it is mutual. The student can now help the "teacher" when need be. It seems that once a teacher teaches how to receive from God, they are just there to encourage the receiver and help them stay on the right track!

Another thing, It only talks about receiving good things! We receive awesome truths about God(aka love), tell all the good stuff we learn (because it's only going to be good if it's God), then because of the reaction of our hearts to God's goodness, we respond in every area of our lives with that same goodness that God first extended to us.

This is the way I see my life. The only way for true change or repentance to take place is in my heart (Out of the heart flow the issues of life). I just don't understand when anyone suggests to change my actions as though it would affect anything other then my frustration level with every failing! I really did try so long doing it backwards. This just makes sense.

*I am aware that this verse doesn't necessarily teach all that, but this is my blog about what the Lord is telling me along with His scripture. I love the way God works gentle, loving, always there for me, never a jerk... I know my God.

Sometimes running everything through the filter of the cross is difficult for me bc it goes against what i have been taught at some point throughout my life or what i see with my eyes constantly from Christians. This is also having lived my whole life evaluating Christians and that's probably why it's so difficult to stop looking at their performances and just seeing them as God does.

Seeing with my heart sometimes has no example. It's pure faith that that's the way it would look if Jesus did it. For example, in worship, I have felt the Spirit move and the authority some people sing with but I have never seen with my eyes, what happens, just the results and I can feel it. To step out on faith and let the Lord lead me to say things I have never said before is new territory for me, yet the Lord has brought me here, and He'll keep with me no matter what...

What a good God.

From Bondage: I have to follow a man to teach me about God...
To Liberty: I can enjoy my fellow Christians because I know God Himself...

Ah HAH!

I have a ponder I have been pondering for a LONG time. Kinda on along the same lines as some of the previous posts. The whole judging business. Of course God says not to so therefore one shouldn't, but I have been thinking about some of the reasons why it's a really bad idea. The best solution is to see people as God sees them. Perfect. This is what I have decided for myself to help me not to keep falling for judging people. When we make a judgment about someone, it effects everything we think about them. This is actually a crippling effect for the person but is often defended as "guarding oneself". If I meet someone who is extremely codependent, it's considered "wise" to keep your distance so as to not protect you and them. The ONLY way that is wisdom is if God specifically tells you to do that. The reality is you are confirming that as part of their identity to them making it more difficult to see the real identity they have in Christ.

I was once told that I was just acting kind doing expressions i see as love because I was codependent and this person told me they didn't want that kind of relationship. The truth is that the person who told me that was codependent on people and trying to get out of being that way themselves. (You can sometimes tell someone is struggling with something bc they 1- Defend it without needing to or 2- Project that one you.) I didn't know any better so I took it and that lie absolutly messed me up for a LONG time! I didn't know what codependent meant, but as time passed, i realized that it wasn't true and that they had written on my heart by me accepting what they said rather then what God said about me and I eventually repented. Even if what they said was true, it wouldn't make this different. Even if I was co-dependent, that was judging me. Now a big question... do I hold them responsible... no. Blaming them gives them a power in my own head and it's also the same as judging them. I CHOOSE to see them as God sees them. Perfect. Now, when I see them, I don't think "They are messed up in _____ way" Nor do i think i can try and help them, I can appreciate them for who they really are, treat them that way, let them see my actions as affirmations of God's love working in their hearts, and proving how not all relationships are co-dependent!

I have decided that if I have time to figure out what is going on with he people around me, I am not using my time wisely and it's not what God wants. If I am CONSTANTLY listening for the Lord's directions, then every second of my time is gonna be in His will. I must face it, discussing other people, is a waist of everybody's time and it actually says much MUCH more about me then I would want anybody to know.

If our God looked at us like that, we wouldn't have been worth saving. And if He doesn't see us like that, what gives anybody the right to.

So, I repent from seeing people, EVERYONE, like the world would see them, and just see them as God does, perfect.

From bondage: I see the truth about you.
To Liberty: I see someone I love, nothing more... nothing less.

There is change in the air... dodge the quarters...

You know what is so funny... How I will realize that I am screwing up at something... then be in inner turmoil about it until I feel like I have served my time or until it finally hits me that it's not that big of a deal, then I try to fix others around me in the same area because i feel so stupid about falling for such a stupid screw up and i'd feel a whole lot better if other people were going through the same thing... then i get annoyed bc people aren't changing... then i stop... assess myself and my motives... realized this paragraph of truth... take a quick second to laugh at how silly of a human i am... then submerge my mind into truth. God Loves Me. Period. When you put in the rest of the distractions of life, yes, i can see why this cycle keeps going, but i really love how God isn't going "why aren't you getting this!" HE is so good, that he merely giggles with me and sends wave after wave of love to my heart and my soul.

Last night As i was laying in my bed, i was imagining a beach completely empty of people and trash, just sand and water. That water just keeps coming and coming. The ocean is constantly changing the sand. That sand could never be the same even if it desperately wanted to. It is constantly changing the landscape, but so gently you hardly notice a difference with each wave. Each wave is actually carrying out sand that may have been on that beach for years, and bringing in sand that has spent time in the ocean. Sand that if it were alive could give testimony to 100s of aspects of the ocean.

I see this as applicable in many different ways, and I'm going to leave it to the Lord to reveal Himself to each person.

More already?!?!

Gal 6:4
But let every person carefully scrutinize and examine and tet his own conduct and his own work. He can then have the personal satisfaction and joy of doing something commendable [in itself alone] without [resorting to] boastful comparison with his neighbor.

Mind your own business, Jess. This is almost sounding like a contradiction to 6:1, ya know! "Help your brother" and all!

Go God!

Verse 3 was talking about how you have to be humble to have any effect or influence on others. This applies to helping them carry their burdens if you are willing to change your heart to be fully after God like a hound after a fox. As I examine my life carefully as verse 4 directs, there will always be something I could better. But when the Lord gives you a command, and you obey, there is nothing to boast about except God's work.

My personal application:
I consider one of my ministries to be leading worship. As a member of that worship team, anything I do on that stage is my "conduct" and "work" (from vs 4). If I scrutinize, examine, and test what I do and do it striving for excellence (my absolute best and all) WHILE RESTING IN GRACE, then the result will be my best for the Lord. This will cause satisfaction and Joy in me. This will shun comparisons and strife in myself and with others whether they be band mates or my church family.

*I think it important to note that the Lord is teaching about resting in His perfect grace while plunging into all he has me to do. There is literally NO room for personal boasting doing it this way.

As a result of the above situation, I won't have an unholy opinion of myself (verse 3), I'll demonstrate grace and God's complete work naturally (verse 2) and if a member is struggling, I will be in a position where they can share their burden and they will be open to receive from God through me. My heart will be in the right place AND my demonstration of God's grace that I am naturally doing by keeping my heart open to hear Him will encourage repentance in my brethren (verse 1).

I have to stress that this is not done by determining myself to do it. It is done because I surrendered to the Lord, He told me to do it, and I merely obeyed. This isn't some kind of equation that will work everytime, it is just something I found true for me. Listening to and obeying God is NEVER wrong.

From Bondage: I will learn good principles and force them upon you...
To Freedom: I will do all I do in excellence so if you need me, you'll trust me to have the right answer...

A quick side note of great importance

Before I start this one, I want to put out there what the Lord just started putting in stone in my heart. That may not be technical, but it's the best way to explain what this is like. While I wrote the previous blogs I could literally pin point people that could gleam, if they were willing to change, from them. Then the Lord showed me how these learning experiences from Galations are to set me free from the pressure of performance, the pressure to prove myself, and the pressure to "help" God change other people. I know, simple, but something my heart didn't realize it was doing even though to see it on paper i can point at it and say, "That's a stupid thing to do!" and yes, it isn't wise at all... but from here on out, it's personal. This is about what God is showing me. This is about how God wants me to conduct myself.

Oh God let me be a strong woman with my mind and heart resolved to only follow what you teach me. Write on my heart, oh my God, what will put my path where you want. Help my mind to be only on myself as I gleam from what wise men wrote long ago. You are my passion. Nothing else. No one else. Once again, I surrender to you.

Amen

Somebody, Some body... VERY different.

I have been learning so much about how I could be knowledgable in the Bible and be completely off track. It's all about the heart. All about my motives. All about how much of me is God's. I am telling you, I am a lot farther from the mark when you put it that way then if it's just about knowing the Bible... :)

For if Any Person thinks himself to be somebody [to important to condescend to shoulder another's load] when he is nobody [of superiority except in his own esteem], he decieves and deludes and cheats himself.
Gal 6:3

I love this. WARNING: may offend people who get offended.

Te first thing that stands out in my mind is the heart. Where is your heart really and truely? Someone who does have a lofty attitude has misplaced pride. Pride is no fun to deal with AT all. Pride in themself and not a deadness of self to Christ. That also means they have a hole they are trying to fill, the pride being in there now. So, that person is incapible of helping because you can not give what you don't have.

The second thing to catch my eye "decieves". By thinking this, he leads HIMSELF in the wrong direction. That direction is gonna change the new few steps in his own life for the worse. He's on the wrong path himself (not someone you would want helping you get straigtened out anyway).

"Deludes"- When a harmful substance deludes a pure substance it defiles the whole thing. That thinking tants all the thoughts, ideas, and core values. Then all products from that person are contaminated by that defiled root.

"Cheats"- He is actually cheating himself out of the life God wants for him. Not just "life" as in one lifetime, but "life" as in "river of life" that God wants to run through us to help us through out our lifetime. What makes us feel "Ready to go!!!" instead of "Is it almost over?".

I believe this being merely an explination and warning to people going through something. Don't look for these people to be sympathetic to you when they can't stop thinking about themselves. But if this is a difficult area for you, no big deal! Just learn to let the Lord love you. He'll fill the holes and it'll be like a balm on a wound.

From Bondage: I will make myself humble...
To Liberty: I have God's life running through my veins, and I can help you find that in Him...

STONE THE SINNER jk :)

Today while reading a book with lots of words, I came across a verse and it became alive in me. So alive that I had to start writing. Me, not being a big writer, thought this odd... so I did it.
Gal 6:1
Brethren, if any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to and controlled by the spirit] should set him right and restore and reinstate him, without any sense of superiority and with all genetleness, keeping an attentive eye on yourself, lest you should be tempeted also.

What the Lord told me:
Just because you can see where someone has gone off track doesn't mean you are even capable of helping them or are "responsible" for correcting them, necessarily. Even if they ask you too, if you can't follow 6:1's conditions then you are wrong to try.
Also, the phrases "controlled by the spirit" and "Responsive" to Him! WOW! Just because you can hear the Lord and are obedient to do what He wants SOMETIMES doesn't mean you meet these qualificaitons everytime. You have to check yourself everytime at the time.
Literally, the only way to do this is to have 100% of your focus on God and not getting distracted by anything else. Including this person's drama.
You have to be able to see clearly the root issue and then gently use kindness to influence this person towards repentence without getting caught in their "junk".

You "falling into temptaion" is not just being careful about falling into the temptation this person is dealing with but also being careful of starting to judge this person for their inability to change like YOU want them too!

Now:
Let's ask ourselves why so many people are willing to follow the "correct your brother" part but overlook the "if you are able to..." conditions.
There are several things that come to mind as to why people will do this. Inadiquacy, self-righteousness, false teaching...

If I try to correct someone to change because I struggle with the same sin root then more then likely I am trying to convince myself to change rather then thinking about anyone besides myself. When I don't see a change, it frustrates my flesh. What I need to do is identify that root within myself, then give it to the Lord. Repent. See that the issue at hand has been taken care of by the cross and begin to see myself as Christ sees me. Perfectly Holy. Dwell on scriptures that back up what the Lord says about me. Focus on God's love for me. Let HIM minister to me.

Correcting someone else because you are trying to pay for your past isn't a good idea either. If I am trying to let my good out-weigh my past wrongs, it's self-rightesnous. Lot's of people consider the people they've spend time and effert in bettering as trophies. "How could they just do that, I envested so much into them." That is NOT what the Lord wants. There is a lack of self-worth. You are only good if you can make people change. Resolve: Let yourself realize that the "lack" of worth... its been taken care of already. Don't let your pride win and let you think that you can do ANYTHING apart from the blood of Christ, and all you do should be for Him, not you.

I have heard so many teachings about how you have a duty and obligation to correct your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. How you are a "slacker" and not pulling your weight for God if you aren't activly annoying somebody about how much they are off God's path for them. Bull. You have to find your Identity in Christ. Then when preaching like that comes along to manipulate you into feeling lack (most likely brough on by the lack in the teachers life) your foundation will be so grounded, they can't touch your resolve. You can not make yourself more of a Christian by your works.

So what positive thing did I take from this? We are to try to help our brothers and sisters, but only once we've died to our flesh. We can't help someone at all if we are trying to claw our way out of the same pit. I don't have to make myself care about others if I am growing closer to God, I will naturally do it because it's in his nature.

I see this verse not as demanding me to go correct all these sinners, but more describing who is actually capable. Someone who is free. Realizing this has broken chains off that I never even knew were there...

From bondage- I have an obligation to love you.
To Freedom- I have the heart of Christ, and I LOVE you.