It has been a while since my last blog. The last one was a step I had to take to step away from "stuff". Too many different things to name. It's funny how all the things that were real came with me. The fake/false stayed behind a lifetime ago that was only a couple months. I'm still only halfway through this "transition" but I already have so much answered that I didn't even know I was questioning.
This morning I heard I Cor 13:1&2:
If I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God's love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God's love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody).
(These verses answered... SO much for me...)
A couple weeks ago I heard someone giving a testimony. They talked about how they did all these different things for God, in God's name, and giving glory to God. They stared noticing that all the things they had been doing stopped working. For instance, he used to get awesome prophetic words over people and change lives then he stopped getting words. To sum up what happened, his heart had started to be invested in his ministry more then God. God took this man back to a place where he sought the Lord more then the stuff he could do for the Lord.
When he gave this testimony, I immediately identified with it! I didn't even KNOW that's why God was having me step down when I did and just by following the Lord's instructions I was brought out of what I could do for God into a place where I can learn to passionately pursue God. And then my road cleared before my eyes. I pursue God, and my ministry happens behind me without any help from me. :)
I have always felt pressured to sound really good. To look like I know what I am talking about all the time. And it has always bothered me that I forget what people say a lot. Someone could preach an hour long sermon and I can't remember it most of the time. It's happened my whole life.
I used to go to a friends house and her parents would ask what we learned in church and I had no answer even though I had tried to listen really well. (bc I knew this question was coming and I wanted to be able to answer) I always just repeated what my friend said because I didn't have a clue.
Recently I have discovered what I true blessing this is. What it actually is is my heart not receiving anything that a- is untrue or b- I am not ready to hear or receive. I know everything that sticks is Godly because the Spirit has to put it in my heart Himself! If it's not in my heart what good is it anyways!
Verse two talks about people who read, memorize the words and can repeat it backwards AND tell you all the other books that have it written in there to (this isn't bad in itself) but they can't love others bc that's the most difficult thing to do. That's letting God into the deepest part of you and trusting Him in there. That is hard to do. Most people who know what I am talking about are going "yea it is". but I really don't care about having all that knowledge anymore. I've seen what happens when you use your knowledge against people. You hurt them. And you show your incapability to Love. But it can't be held against these people bc they just haven't experienced the Love of God themselves. It's actually pitiable.
When you know God's love, it's something you recognize coming out of others even if you've never met them. There are people I don't see for years, then I'll run into them and I recognize their heart bc I know my God's heart. It's a connection that points to God.
So, if I have ever fooled you into thinking I know tons about God bc I needed to edify myself while still looking like a "christian"... I'm sorry (and i KNOW i have done this). I am repenting now and hopefully I'll be back to that place where I can LOVE people unconditionally real soon. Until then, just know I'm me... the real me is still in here... she just got covered up by junk I thought was necessary. It's difficult to let go of all the false knowledge I've gained over the past... 27 years :)
I think I am starting to understand pruning...
From Bondage: I'm sick of you, but I'm not going to be honest about it.
To Liberty: I love you. And love covers a multitude of sin.
Oh God help us to have a heart like yours. It is the ONLY way to do this.
